The time at home for thanksgiving has been great. Since our last post we were discussing me improving on a change. Well so far so good. I haven’t quite distanced myself like I should. But in a way I have because I’m far of away from making any type of influence or decision that might hinder this progressive change. I think time away has made me come to realizations of the changes that need to be made but it also has given me more strength to return home and continue on without this change to myself and hold out for an environmental change. Either way I need to make a change! It’s obvious since I’ve stated that word so repetitively throughout this blog. But anyways as I stated earlier so far. so good.
Today I’m not feeling much better but I have come to a realization of a number of things. I do need to get a grip on life before I cant anymore and I guess that its best to be only worried with the financial issues I have rather than not having a place to live, being bankrupt, car and belongs being taken away. Its about that time to be thankful what I do have and thankful for what I don’t have to yet deal with, but it is time for me to wise up and get a hold of it now before I cant in the future. I know I can do better I am an amazingly strong individual…I really don’t know how. Some days I would like to just give up, some days my head is spinning with a migraine feeling as if my life is so close to slipping out of my hands. But today or maybe this past three weeks of a hell of November I can say that I have been this low before and have always managed to make it out. I need to start to separate myself from other peoples problems and learn that I cant save everybody. I need to try to save only myself and let the rest be handled by fate. I have continued to realize that the world is cruel!! its still very cruel and only the strong survive.
All week I’ve been looking at tv shows, the news, and reading articles, all portraying how I want my life to be for myself now or how I want it to become in the future. Also it shows me the people I don’t want to be like and the life I don’t want to have ever. It made me realize that even the rich and famous people that seem to have it all…don’t. And they have worse financial worries than me. I plan to make it through this. I plan to keep fighting because that’s all I know how to do. So lets just say I’m content at this point and these epiphany’s have made me stronger. lets just say I realize my worth and my potential.
I haven’t blogged on here in a while, but maybe I should have been. I look back at my last post and its funny how it somewhat still holds true for today. Have you ever looked back and the posts you’ve made, being that they were made a good length ago and then reflect on today and be surprised how much nothing has changed. I’m wrong somethings have changed but not necessarily for the better. Things with the significant other either stay the same or they get worse. The funny thing is there’s only one thing that is making our relationship hard, and that one thing is money. I find that to be the one thing that can make any relationship tough whether its a married couple or a young couple in love. The funny thing is that’s not the only thing making my relationship crumble its tearing my world apart. This is the first time I am an independent woman. And I find that sometimes I just wish I could be dependent for five seconds that would help erase the hardships of being independent. Just think if you had someone you could count on to go to for help and not have to feel like you owe them anything for it. That would be amazing. But here I am. I’m an independent woman facing this cold world trying to make the best way I know how, and it seems like their are troubles around every corner. I know I can get through it. I always do. But I’m so tired of getting through it. For once I want to be stable and not have to worry about money issues. I have a feeling that its going to go on longer than a year. Been applying for another job but have been getting nothing but rejection. I hope soon things will begin to move into a more positive light.
Ugh sometimes I just feel like why am I even here. Why are you even with me. five seconds I make you happy and then not too far from then do you get pissed off and there is absolutely nothing I can do to make you feel better. Isn’t the purpose of a relationship to make the other person happy no matter what challenges you might face. Aren’t I supposed to be the one that takes your troubles away…. You do that for me… why cant I do it for you. I just don’t know…
I know the one lesson my father taught me was never to settle for less than what I deserve. Now I’m approaching my senior year of college, where I need to make some key decisions that could potentially decide my future. The major I focused on attaining will have me graduate a semester late and with the finances transferred to me I will run out of money to finance the end of my education which would mean to take on another loan, which in turn means to accumulate debt I do not need or want. Or I can graduate in the spring if I choose a less demanding major of General Business, one that isn’t concentrated in any particular field of business. Which worries me because I don’t think I will retain a job after college with a General Business Degree. I want so badly to graduate on time but in the back of my mind my father’s quote is ringing loud in my ear and I feel like that would be settling. I would feel unfulfilled I think in the end. I just don’t want this decision this degree to be the a degree that determines my future and one that I would regret.
I’m waiting for the day I feel completely happy with who I am and who I may become. Patiently waiting for fulfillment. My emotional complex is so up and down these days!! I don’t know how to do deal with…Me right now… I could use some time away.
Politics….Maybe one of the biggest things I hate about this world. It contains all the faults of a human being. Greed, Lies, Jealousy, Sex, Money, Deceit. Everything which encompasses a person to appear evil is what this very country is built on. I’m really starting to miss Germany…where life was simple and cherished. I didn’t have to worry about all the hate in the world!!. Politics man…pure evil!!!
Its been a long long long journey me and my man have been on…lots of ups and downs, challenges, trials, and tribulations. But Today marks the day of our current situation starting to move toward a more positive light. I believe today marks the day that hard work and faith in each other has paid off and things will begin to turn around for the better. It also marks the time for me personally to change my pattern. Gives me time to do better for me to work on me and continue to make my goals become stepping stones. I need be even more frugal and smart about the decisions I make from here on out. I’ve been making a lot of decisions on impulse but now its time to get smart. We’re great. I’m great. And the current situation is great. So currently I’m in a state of bliss… I hope it lasts a while.